It’s been a strange day today. From starting the day with a very motivating meditation session with Deepak’s and Oprah to this evening questioning what exactly is the point of this struggle.
Today’s centering thought was “hope makes me strong and secure” and the theme of the meditation was turning doubt and uncertainty in to hope. What has all this got to do with my fitness training and food intake to reach 160lbs? I hear you wonder…. well a lot, because we experience self-doubt and fear in so many different aspects of our lives. And when it comes to setting such a target I doubt whether or not I can actually reach it, I fear that I can’t achieve it.
For me now there’s a whole host of things running round my head at the moment, and so please bear with me whilst it attempt to articulate and make sense of it all. This is going to be a bit of a therapy session.
It all started on Sunday when my good friend Dr Tilean did a live video on FB which I happened to tune in to about fear being a liar. Well it got me thinking about myself and my fears. What am I scared of and why am I scared? I’m scared of not achieving my 160lb goal. I’m scared that if I achieve it, what if nothing happens? And when I say nothing happens, what if I find that I am not content, or that other people don’t react to me they way I was expecting. What if I still don’t meet that soul mate to share my workouts with and make food for and over indulge with? There I did it. I fearlessly said it. We all do things for what ever reason we want, and we may not always be completely honest with ourselves. I know deep down my reasons and whilst I am doing this for myself to prove to myself that I can do something for myself when I put my mind to it, and I don’t just quit when I get to a certain point and I can see something through right to then end! I know me – I have a ‘fuck-it’ button. I get to a certain point, often a reasonably good point where I can see the end within reach and say ‘fuck-it’ and quit because I believe I can do it so no need o carry on. But the point is I didn’t reach the end even though the end was within reach and I could have got there if I stuck to it.
So why is that? Fear and self-doubt. Fear that if I did actually continue I may not actually get there and fall short. This is partly why I decided to continue to write this blog. You guys hold me to account. I don’t want to have to tell you that I haven’t reached my goal and believe it or not I don’t like declaring that I succumbed to the cravings and binged on coffee and chocolates and whatever else , but at the same time my self-doubt and fear has stopped me from sharing this blog on my social media pages like IG and FB. I post on twitter but I have like 12 followers…. lol Why? Because too many people that I actually know (no offense) and see on a daily basis (the majority albeit online) will know what I am doing and hold me to account and ask me how I’m getting on etc. That’s far too public. What will they think of me? What if when I reach my goal they don’t even care or even notice? And the point is I am giving far too much power to others, externally, outside forces. According to Deepak my self-doubt shows that I am disconnected from my true self. I fear letting myself down, I expect that I will let myself down it comes part and parcel with who I am… simply not quite good enough. Always close but never actually reaching there. My hopes defeated. And this is it. I have to take responsibility for what I want and what I want to achieve. Be the driver of my destiny regardless or anything or anyone else. Be fearlessly confident using hope as part of my inner strength. And finally RELAX.
That therapy is over what did I do today to work towards my goal…
6:30am 1/2 grapefruit, 3 egg omelette with sweet peppers and lemon water
10:30am kale, spinach, pineapple and a little fresh ginger smoothie
1:30pm 2 cups of salad, 1 cup of roasted veg and 1 vegan burger
3pm – I had a special K cereal bar (has 9gms of protein!) and 4 shirly biscuits. Ramdon I know, but I went home for lunch, fell asleep and was late back to work and as I went in the building stopped at the snack machine… sigh
4:30pm protein pancake
6:30pm WOD I used an 80lb bar and finished the workout in 20:18mins. Not bad, but either I’m fitter and my recovery time is quicker or I didn’t lift heavy enough. I think it’s the former because it wasn’t an endurance workout like running.
8:30pm protein shake with pineapple and water. 1/2 cup of roasted veg. And a Thinkthin protein bar! Why? because I was friggin’ hungry. I could actually live on them. What would happen if I replaced 3 meals a day with protein bars? I might try it – only after I’ve reached my goal though 😉
So now I feel better for sorting though my thoughts I’m going to take Oprah’s advice and RELAX till tomorrow and do it all again.