Self sabotage

It’s been another on of those days where I really don’t know what is going on with me.  I can’t seem to pull myself back in to the routine and it’s not just fitness but other aspects of my life that appear to be affected.  I’m beginning to wonder if I’m in self destruct mode.

The other week I wrote the post about fear, but it’s not passed.  I seem to be making the wrong choices, and that’s not just with food but other aspects of my life – like work too.  It’s almost like I’m not confident in myself to see the job through and so I’m making decisions to take me away from facing it.  And I’m making decisions about what I eat which I know will stop me from reaching my goal.  So why am I doing this? It’s self sabotage. Due to fear. If it was easy everyone would be fit and have six packs and everything they ever wanted.  But some things you have to work hard for, and persevere through the tough times, through the times you don’t want to, when you really can’t be arsed but you have to.  And that’s it – when there’s no choice you get on and do.  But I do have a choice and I chose to go on this journey to get to 160lbs.  I can’t quit now as much as I want to.  I want to quit a lot of things.  

For my 30th birthday I went trekking in Peru.  Did some hike over 4500m altitude couldn’t breathe for shite – I have low iron so I found out afterwards which makes it more difficult to transport oxygen in the blood! – felt like I was running a marathon with every step I took… but the point it I started and there was literally no way I could go back. and when I say no way I mean no way – in the middle of nowhere like an ant in the vast mountains high up in the clouds.  If I could have called a helicopter to come get me I would have but I couldn’t. I was up those mountains for 4 days panting even whilst laying down under the stars wondering if I’d wake up in the morning.  And each step looking down thinking one false step and I’m dead literally falling off the edge of a mountain.  Thinking back I was fearless and I had no choice I had to do it. And I did and I didn’t die and I live to tell the tale.

So here I am winging about the fact that today I had a slice of banana bread at lunchtime and this evening some maple almond ice cream and I had a chicken and salad wrap for lunch because I couldn’t be bothered to drive home at lunch as I intended because I hadn’t done my meal prep and so I’m not going to reach my target weight anytime soon.  AND I didn’t go to the gym this evening. 

And so the point is it’s a choice. And we all get scared of failing and when we don’t want to do something we have to remember why we are doing it or pretend there is no choice and simply get on with it. 

And with that – I’m getting off the sofa to prep my salad for tomorrow. I’ve actually been icing my knee… it’s still not right but I ran on it yesterday with a knee support.  But I still can’t squat.  I have no idea if this icing will do anything as it’s been close to 2 weeks since I originally injured it.  But I really don’t want to quit the gym for a week as I know I’ll find it even more difficult to get back in to it.

Anyhow – food prep time! 


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